Self-Love, Empowerment and the Inner-Monster

20130219_BuddhaSnowFamily029I am currently living in the home in which I grew up, and I feel that, as always, I was led here because there is some work that must be done on the energetic and vibrational plane.

In this case, the energetic and healing work is to be done on myself.

I am picking up parts of myself that I dropped here as a child.

I am revisiting things that happened to me and seeing them with the eyes of an adult.

I’m recognizing that many of the experiences I had as a child are effecting me much more than I realized and that they drew me away from my pure essence.

But I am making incredible leaps in my time here and reconnecting to myself in a powerful way.

I am recovering myself.

The same week I watched Anita Moorjani’s Lecture on Near Death Experiences, I had a vivid awakening.

As a child, I was often misunderstood and my abilities with energy and vibration were scary for people.

In fact, one of the reasons I love the Harry Potter books so much is because the scenes at the Dursley’s house (where Harry would accidentally use magic) is the epitome of my existence as a child.

It angered and upset the Muggles around me.  I was told often that I was a monster.

In my effort to prove I was NOT a monster but in fact a good person with a good heart, I became a people-pleaser.  I was good if I was pleasing others.  With my family, this later turned into being told that I was not only a monster when I was using my abilities, but also a monster when I would put myself before others and NOT be a people-pleaser.

I was told I was a monster when I would love and honor myself.

In the last few months, the same dynamics have come up again in the household, and within me there has been an oscillation between choosing to honor myself while feeling horrible because that makes me a monster, or existing to please the people around me and watching myself disappear.

This is why a few weeks ago I wrote that I really didn’t feel that I was able to write about being an empowered indigo adult. I have moments right now where I feel completely disconnected.

I had, at that point, completely revered to the unbalanced indigo child that constantly swung between people-pleasing invisibility, to a rageful monster that only knew how to express self love by rebelling against everything.

The grand revelation I had from watching  Anita Moorjani’s Lecture on Near Death Experiences was that self love is really where everything begins.

But this is challenging for someone who is always told that being self-loving makes her a monster to others.  It was implied that it is cruel to others to love myself.

But here is where the BIG SHIFT occurred.

The last time I engaged in the family dynamic that pointed out my monstrous self-loving behavior, I went to the bathroom afterward and looked into the mirror. I said, “Hello Monster. I have been rejecting you for so long. But this is what you have been told you are your entire life. So maybe that’s what you are. YOU ARE A MONSTER. It’s time to give up rejecting you. Perhaps this is me. I am a Monster. I accept you Monster! If I am the evil person that these people say I am, than so be it. Hooray! I am evil! I revel in my inner monster! I not only accept you, Monster, but I LOVE YOU MONSTER! I revel in your existence! I love you, Monster!”


And acknowledging that I am a monster didn’t change me into someone evil. This didn’t change any of my choices.

But it was a major mental shift for me because I was no longer capable of being manipulated by the machinations of those around me.  No one could force me into a behavior they desired by saying I was only good if I did what they told me to do.

Monsters also get to wear sexy clothes, which I hadn’t done in a while because it displeases those around me.

Monsters play guitar, which I hadn’t done in in a long time because it gives me such pleasure and monsters enjoying themselves are scary to those that think monsters are scary.

Monsters do work that is both profitable and fun, and embracing work that has BOTH characteristics is so much easier now because I’m ok with being told I’m evil for having an outrageously happy work life!

I don’t need to work at being worthy and virtuous and always wondering if I’m good enough (which Anita also talks about). I am a monsters and monsters don’t need to be good.

The key is the self-love that is part of the monster. My moral compass is still functioning and that is the self-love part. The self-love gives me the compass and keeps me a cute, moral monster (despite what those around me say).

Having self love allows me to access the compass and make choices in alignment with self-love and self-respect, without feeling bad for not obeying those around me. I can very much revel in who I am, and accepting the monster aspect of myself makes me not care about the haters.  (Anita talks specifically about self-love about 30 minutes into the video).

It’s incredibly empowering, and at the same time more generous, because if I, a monster, joyously seek to please myself first, I can then be filled up enough to serve others from a healthier place.  Which means I won’t seem much like a monster at all.

Perhaps the true monster was the monster I was being to myself, which, once I look at the situation closely, seems to be a chronic generational thing. I can look at the two generations before me and see how they have been the biggest monster to themselves.

I am sharing this with you because if you are dealing with a similar dynamic or are asking, “What is the next step? What is our action path as indigo adults?”

Perhaps the next step for indigo adults is not an action step but an inner shift.  I’m not saying that all that “save the world” stuff is not worthy, but what if the next step and the only important path is to enjoy our own self love?  That will answer all questions, including the mundane ones of money, job, marriage, environmental conservation, politics, etc…

~ Peace ~

Indigo Leslie





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