Freefallin’: Living the tough truth vs living the convenient lie

I’m kind of “Freefallin” right now… like the Tom Petty song.

But not really.

More like the space between two worlds, where the one I’m leaving I can’t go back to in the same way (if I chose to go back) and I’m not really clear on the alternative to the current world I am in.

Before I get more specific, I would like to tie this in to other topics I have been posting on lately.

October 28 and November 11 were major days energetically. One because of what was lining up astrologically and one because of what was lining up on the Gregorian Calendar which we, as the people of planet earth, imbued with power and meaning and thus, gave the day power and meaning.

Many indigo adults and spiritual people, including myself, spent at least part of these days in prayer and meditation for a more loving and heart centered planet.

And then a few eclipses have come along: one at the end of November and one this Saturday, promising new direction in an aspect of our life, whether we like it or not.

(For a great article on eclipses and how they affect us energetically, click here.)

Is it possible that these eclipses are amped up even more than normal because of the powerful prayers that I and others have been send out?

As a collective, have we just kicked the energetic status quo in the gut with a dose of powerful energy we have yet to fully realize in our lives?

I ask this because I almost always feel giant shifts of the collective a few months before the collective feels it. I blame it on being way too psychically open, but does come in handy at times.

So here’s what’s going on with me right now…

I am in school for 3d visual effects and on the surface the school is all “Rah Rah” and “Follow Your Dreams” but over the last few weeks I have come face to face (literally) with the true attitude of the upper echelon of administrators at my school and the message was very much opposite what the school preaches publicly.

One face said to me, “There is no such thing as a dream job. Get used to it,” when I protested that this (very expensive) school was not educating me properly or as well as the modest community college I just completed. Another administrator said I would have trouble getting work as a woman if I became known as someone that speaks up (aka trouble maker).

On a certain level, I knew this was the true vibe of the school when I first stepped into it. I just wanted it to happen so badly. I really really did. So I ignored the signs that there were problems when I saw hints of them and pushed on.

I also had just gotten feedback from a teacher at the community college that said I seem to head toward goals initially quite successfully and then randomly turn away from them for no reason.

Little does he know that when that happens I am feeling into situations before they happen and reacting to my intuition, which to him – the intuitively inept – looks like reacting to nothing.

Still, I took his advice to heart.

I pushed on toward this new school, despite my indigo senses firing off.

And the reason I wanted this school so bad is that last year I hit a point financially where I might have had to quit school and go back to home to my parent’s place. The fate of my life was held by some idiot bureaucrat in the financial aid department who couldn’t do his job right.

So I vowed at that moment to stop living for my dreams and to make money the main goal. And then goals and passions could be achieved on the weekends with the money I was earning.

It’s practical, huh?

But I have been miserable these last few months. I actually don’t mind the schoolwork, but the school is incompetent and I can feel the contrast between the public image and private attitude of the school viscerally.

I’m sure other indigo adults are familiar with that inner knowing that the surface is not true? You know that feeling, right?

But then you keep pushing until you see the truth, and then it repulses you.

Worse than that, I have a tendency to call people/institutions on their shit (also an indigo adult trait), and if that people/institution is not ready to come face to face with their shit (which in their hearts they have been sensing, too) I usually get slammed down, as I did at my new school.

But that doesn’t even matter.

The thing is, do I want to be at this institution for another year that on the surface says they are all for me, but that the underlying attitude is spite for their students and only a desire for money? (And don’t think I’ve missed the parallel between the school’s blind desire for money and my own.)

Which, on a larger, global issue… the 99% and all that… isn’t that what we are all wrestling with?

Living the tough truth vs living the convenient lie.

So right now I have several choices…

I could take on the second year of school.

But to do that I am either going to have to suck up and live the lie that that school is, and deal with what I have discovered as best I can, while attempting to change my attitude and really, really, really focus on the positive aspects (which I’ve already been doing for the last few months as an attempt to raise my spirits a bit). PS: This also means taking on a gargantuan amount of student loans.

Or I leave.

And at this point, if I leave… I don’t know where I go.

And that is what I call Freefalling.

Freefalling does feel free on some levels because it means I’m open to all possibilities. And it pushes me into a state of prayer and trusting in the divine that feels strangely safe the more I pray for guidance.

And this is probably exactly the way all things are supposed to happen and I’m just not in position yet to see how great all of this is going to turn out.


If I just keep telling myself that it will become true.

~ Peace ~

Indigo Leslie

1 thought on “Freefallin’: Living the tough truth vs living the convenient lie”

  1. When do you have to make your decision? Has this weekend’s lunar eclipse and Uranus’ action with it’s move out of the retrograde cycle jiggled any new feelings in you? I get this intuitive, backing out of things preemptively, internal alarm bells vibe you are talking about. How old are you? I am 32 and I would love to compare notes regarding your behavior cycles and mine. I feel like my Saturn return cycle (hit me hard about 29-30) really shook loose some old habits. And things feel different for me now. I used to have these moments of limbo between cycles which I think you describe as freefalling. Shit, I just ended a limbo cycle, but I feel like I really used this limbo cycle well this time so that this new path I am heading down feels less, I don’t know. . . Like desperate than before. You sound like you wanted this school almost so bad you were blinded, but now you would almost rather have limbo than be involved in this wrong feeling trap. That was me over and over. I hope this time is different for me. I guess if you are over 30 it would be a good warning for me that Saturn return over or not, the same cycles will present themselves till we learn our lessons. Hmm.

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